Faith has not come easy to me. There are so many stories that I could tell that broke my faith and trust in God. It is so easy to fall flat on your face because of the trials you face. I did this many times.

Death of close friends and family members contributed a lot to my faithlessness in God. I absolutely hated him and wanted nothing to do with him. A close friend on mine died while I was a senior in high school. He fell asleep at the wheel and was instantly killed. I couldn’t understand why God would let such a young kid die a tragic way. I thought God was being cruel. This death was preceded by two suicides in my high school class. God was really messing with people’s lives now. At least this is what I thought at the time.

I went to college and moved on spiritually. I joined the Wesley Foundation at Arkansas State University. Things were beginning to look great for me. In March of 1999, another tragic event put a hold on my life. My grandfather died. I was so close to him and could not understand why he was gone. He went into the hospital for knee surgery but never returned. I just could not understand how God could be so cruel. This was my Pappy and he could not have taken him away. From here, I went into deep depression and turned completely away from God. I stopped attending the weekly Wesley worship events. My life was over.

In March of 2000, my mother was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. I just could not believe it. First my grandfather, now my mother. What have I done to cause all of this? I was very angry. By January 2001, my mother’s cancer had reached her brain. Basically this disease turned my mother into someone that I did not know. She couldn’t remember things or would even talk crazy. What had happened to my mother? In May 2001, I left Jonesboro and moved home in order to go to college in Monticello. By doing this, I could take care of my mother on the weekends and give my Dad a break. He took care of her during the week (They were divorced.) Among all of this, I tried to plan a wedding with my mother who was not quite there. It was very difficult. There were very few times that she was actually lucent enough to understand what we were doing. She died in February of 2002. I married in June of that year. With the marriage, I gained a significant other in my life, yet I lost a huge part of my heart. I was depressed again for a long time. This took a toll on my marriage. Thank goodness God stepped in and gave me Michael as my angel to watch over me. After about a year, I began to get closure from the death of my mother. I became closer to my father and began to realize that I am just like him. This was a relief, because I didn’t know who I was because I lived with my mother all of my life and knew I was nothing like her.

In January 2005, Michael and I decided to move to Jonesboro with our son who was one. We had it all planned out, I would finished my student teaching while he finished school. This never worked out. We only stayed one semester there and moved to Arkansas City with my Dad. I was going to finish my internship at McGehee Elementary. After that semester, Michael and I would find a place of our own to live. This was cut very short, because one week after moving in with my Dad he began getting major stomach pains. We took him to the emergency room in Pine Bluff, where they admitted him. The following days were very difficult. We found out that my father had pancreatic cancer. He began chemo immediately. After a couple of treatments, I took Dad to speak with the oncologist. To this day I will never forget those words. “You better start making plans, 9 out 10 patients just like you would never make it to Christmas.” This was October at the time. My life just flash back to everything that happened with my mother. Why would God take my Daddy too? I couldn’t believe it and wouldn’t. God really was letting me down. Among all of this, I was trying to finish college because Mom and Dad wanted it so bad. Thank goodness for my husband, who I still say is my angel. He took care of Dad and my young son during the day so I could finish my internship. My father died in November 2005.

Dad’s death was not has difficult as my mother and grandfather. I had brought God back into my life just before he died. I knew God had a reason even though I didn’t know what it was. I may never know the reason. Now that I have faith in God, I can overcome any of the trials that may come in the future. My life is not over and I must move on. II Corinthians 1:3-4 always comes to my mind when I am overcome with grief for Mom or Dad. “Praise be to God the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received.”

I really believe that God is using me and my grief experiences to help others. I would not be who I am today without the experiences that I have been in. Without the deaths of my parents, I would not be able to help those close to me who are struggling with grief. I have seen this happen so many times. I know that God is not done with me and will use me wherever he needs me.

Popularity: 1% [?]